Blanka
13-03-2006, 06:02 AM
BEAR HUNTING
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
BULLFROG GIVES HEAD
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Why did God invent the yeast infection?
So women know what it is like to live with an irritating b*tch.
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You don't have to hug the washing machine after dropping a load in it.
IVAN PEE
Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.
Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.
Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.
The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"
His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"
Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"
DIRTY OLD FARMER
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age, we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."
PUB MENU
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand-J** $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet, he finds one single 10 dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-j**s?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am!"
The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear says: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
BULLFROG GIVES HEAD
An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was Exotic Pets and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.
He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.
"Would that suit your needs?" he asked.
The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.
"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."
At this the woman's eyes lit up.She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.
Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.
After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.
Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.
"You see?" she asked, petulantly.
"Yes, I do," said the man.
Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."
Why did God invent the yeast infection?
So women know what it is like to live with an irritating b*tch.
What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You don't have to hug the washing machine after dropping a load in it.
IVAN PEE
Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.
Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.
Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.
The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"
His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"
Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"
DIRTY OLD FARMER
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age, we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."
PUB MENU
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand-J** $10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet, he finds one single 10 dollar bill. He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-j**s?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am!"
The man replies, "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"