Joke Thread

[Godders]

I just had the amazingly cack idea of posting good jokes you heard. If you reply it should have a joke in it

Since i got this through email today and made me chuckle, here it is.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force
guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Rob Hannis]

After Michael Jackons' wife gave birth he asked how long it would be before they could have sex. She replied "For fucks sake Michael, at least wait until he walk!"

[chisel]

no joke but i pissed me sen when i heard this.
'women......dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die'

[Rob Hannis]

Question: If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank do you think:

a) You need more time together?

b) She is a fucking prude

c) She should have sat elsewhere on the bus?

[cagewarriors]

two fleas on a fann, one is a burglar & the other is a junkie. How do you tell them apart??

The burglar is hiding in the bush & the junkie is sniffing the crack

[Hywel Teague]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Rob Hannis]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my
friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll
feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off
running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So
the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll > see,
you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses
them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then
come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do
this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the sunny forest,
you'll feel so good!

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit
out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they
look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying
to help you."

The lion answers, "The little f*cker! I always end up running around the
forest like a f*cking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[GRAPPLE DUMMY]

This is a really old one but some of you young lads might not have heard it:


Anyway, every day a young punk gets the bus to work.

One day he gets on and there's this stunning nun stitting on the bus, so he sits down beside her. He wants to try it on with her so he starts to feel her knee and smile at her. She gasps, looks horrified and embaressed, and jumps up and runs off the bus.
The next day she's on the bus again so he tries the same approach and gets the same reaction from the nun. This goes on all week.

By the end of the week he's well f*cked off, but as he gets on the bus the driver speaks to him.

"I've been watching you all week, and you're going about this entirely the wrong way", says the driver.

"Oh yeah", replies the punk.

"Yes. I know a secret that will help you shag that nun", the driver says.

"Tell me, tell me", says the now interested punk.

"Well, she belongs to an ancient order of nuns who believe in their marrage to God literaly, and every Saturday night at midnight she goes to the old ruined chapel in the forest and offers herself to God. If you go there, dress up as god, you can ask to shag her!", the driver explains.

"Sounds a bit far fatched", says the punk.

"Well its up to you", replies the driver.

The punk puts his doubts aside and when Saturday night arrives he's hiding in the old ruined chapel just before midnight. He looks the part with a stuck on Santa white beard, white sheet toga and carboard wings with tinsel on them.

Midnight comes, and sure enough the nun comes into the darkness of the runined chapel.

The punk puts on the 'Old Spice' theme tune on a beat box he's brought and lets off an Air Bomb, then jumps out spectacularly.

"Haha, I'm God. And I've manifested myself to consumate our holy marriage, my dear", says the punk.

"What an honour, but unfortunatley its my time of the month, Lord", replies the nun.

"Oh F*ck", says the punk.

"But since you're the Lord of Hosts, you can F*ck my bum", offers the nun.

"Get in!", thinks the punk, and proceeds to stab her chocolate starfish.

Once he has given it to her up the 'Shakespearen Farce', they both collapse in a panting heap in the chapel. As he's lying there beside her, the punk decides to have a laugh... He throws off his disguise.

"Haha, I'm the punk", he declares.

"Haha, I'm the Bus driver", the nun replies.


BOOM, BOOM

[Godders]

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
"We are making up the plans for World War III", says Bush. "Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?" "We're gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush. The guest looks to be a bit
confused. "One...dentist?" He says. "Why will you kill one dentist?"
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."