Hmm, a thorny problem indeed. As short and hairy legged as this friend may be, hairy legs do not constitute a beard. Perhaps you should shave his legs using FIRE! This would certainly stop any laughter. Remind him that true laughter only comes from behind a manly beard.
As for booT repair, I am afraid that cobbler does not end with T and so this skill has not been pursued by Frakes. I would suggesT that it has something to do with the soles. I would consider returning them, booT ends with T and sits atop a manly fooT. Squeaking is not manly, it's more mousely. Demand a refund!