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  1. #131


    "Hi, my name is Carlos Tevez and this is my new Lean Mean Grilling Machine"

    "Its so good, I've put my face on it"
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  2. #132


    Plans for CSI norwich have been scrapped. Everyone has the same DNA and there aren't any dental record

    I have just changed my name by deed pole to 'Help'.
    That way women can scream my name when I rape them.

    Whilst some of the material on here is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material. As a man of Asian descent, some of these "jokes" offend me long time.

    I remember when my mum would tuck me in.
    She really wanted a daughter.

    My wife just dumped me because I'm "The king of stupid comparisons."
    I feel like a bacon sandwich on chemotherapy.

    NEWS: Woman loses rape appeal.
    Not true, I'd still rape her.

    I broke up with my girlfriend after she lost an eye in car accident.
    "I had no idea you were so shallow," she said.
    "What the fuck would you know? You don't have any depth perception."

  3. #133


    I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
    I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction

    Madonna recently went to watch her kids at their sports day.
    Or the African cup of nations as it's better known

    I tried drinking from a Liverpool FC mug yesterday, but it was impossible.
    It kept sliding down the table.

    The best way to get a woman to have sex with you is to compliment her...
    Like, "Wow you're a fast runner, you almost got away."

    I was just looking at the tits on Page, Three.
    Much sexier than Amy, Twenty One.

    I've sent shockwaves through the cosmetics industry by inventing a strong, aggressive polish remover.
    I've named it Hitler.

    I've just had my first tit wank.
    It wasn't very successful; one of them flew away and the other just kept pecking away at my scrotum.

    A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster.

    I just raped a girl in a cake shop.
    Couldn't get her legs apart so I used a flap jack.

  4. #134


    Quote Originally Posted by Eric Morecambe View Post
    "Hi, my name is Carlos Tevez and this is my new Lean Mean Grilling Machine"

    "Its so good, I've put my face on it"

    blurabbit those are pretty damn funny lol
    Last edited by ShaolinSubz02; 16-02-2010 at 09:50 AM.

  5. #135


    Bob's down his local having a quiet drink, and pops into the gents for a slash. He's stood at the urinal taking care of business when he notices a man with no arms come in and stand at the urinal next to him. Just as Bob finishes and zips up, the armless man says to him "Sorry mate, I hate to ask but could you maybe unzip my fly for me?"

    Bob's a decent, charitable guy so says "Course mate" and unzips the man's jeans. As he turns around to wash his hands, the armless man then says "Look, Im really sorry, but you couldn't help me get my cock out my boxers could you?". Bob's a bit uneasy, but feeling bad for the disabled dude, he reaches in and pulls the man's dick out.

    As he does he's hit by the most disgusting, eye watering stench he's ever encountered, and looks down to see the man's dick is covered in warts, weeping scabs and looking like it hasn't been washed in years.

    Before he can pull his hand away, the armless man starts pissing, so Bob does the decent thing, holds his breath, closes his eyes and continues holding the man's dick while he pisses. After what seems like an eternity, the man finishes pissing so Bob shakes him off and quickly put his dick back in his boxers, zips him up and practically runs to the sink to scrub his hands.

    As he's washing up, the armless man thanks him profusely for being so kind and just before he turns to leave Bob says, "Im sorry to ask mate, but what on earth is wrong with your dick?"

    "Ive no idea" says the man, as he pops his arms back out of his sleeves "But I sure as fuck wasn't gonna touch it"

  6. #136


    i bought my epileptic brother a strobe light for his birthday

    he'll have a fit when he see's it
    "The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war"

  7. #137


    An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."
    "The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war"

  8. #138


    Wife turns to me one night and says 'I would really like a rape alarm' so the next morning I jumped on her in bed at 5.30, tied her hands together, gagged her and give her one up the arse whilst silently whispering in her ear... 'Time to get up'
    Taking this shit, one day at a time.

  9. #139


    i just got sent this via text, thought it was quite good

    A man in hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

    The nurse raises his gown, holds his cock in one hand & his balls in the other. She takes a close look & says "No, they appear to be fine sir".

    The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and slowly he says "Thanks for that, that was lovely, but listen very carefully: are my test re-sults ba-ck?!"

  10. #140


    Went to a funeral yesterday with my new girlfriend.

    It was the first time I met her family.

    Tell you what, they're a bunch of miserable bastards!
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

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