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  1. #221

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    Took me way longer than it should of to get that lmfao

  2. #222

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    Ernie says to me "I'm getting operated on tomorrow."
    "Oh I said? What are they going to do?"
    Ernie says "Circumcise me!"
    I said " Ernie, I had that done when I was just a few days old."
    "Does it hurt?" Ernie asked ..
    I said "I couldn't walk for a year!"
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  3. #223

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    I surveyed 100 woman and asked them what shampoo they used when showering …
    98% of them said …
    “How the fuck did you get in here !!”
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  4. #224

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    I fostered a little muslim boy today






















    got the little cunt with all 4 cans right round his head!

  5. #225
    Moderator ross90's Avatar
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    A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done

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    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

    However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

    He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says.

    "Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

    She better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!"


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    Double glazing.

    So spastics can have threesomes too


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    I went to a dyslexic rave last night.

    Everyone was taking F's and a a bloke in the corner was trying to inject a Heron
    How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies

  6. #226

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    My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a Roger,

    But just as I had my trousers down and cock out she screamed that she only wanted to let the spare room out !.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  7. #227

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    Eric your jokes are quality. Tom, fuck off

  8. #228

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    Quote Originally Posted by ShaolinSubz02 View Post
    Eric your jokes are quality. Tom, fuck off
    Yep! I second that.


    Iron Man is a superhero.

    Iron Woman is a command.

    ------------------------------------------

    My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while wanking.

    Lets just say it made her funeral very awkward the next day.

    ------------------------------------------

    A judge banned me from driving for 10 years yesterday.

    By putting me in jail for rape.

    ------------------------------------------

    I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

    "It's a migraine," he explained.

    "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

    ------------------------------------------

  9. #229

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueRabbit View Post
    Yep! I second that.


    Iron Man is a superhero.

    Iron Woman is a command.

    ------------------------------------------

    My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while wanking.

    Lets just say it made her funeral very awkward the next day.

    ------------------------------------------

    A judge banned me from driving for 10 years yesterday.

    By putting me in jail for rape.

    ------------------------------------------

    I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."

    "It's a migraine," he explained.

    "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

    ------------------------------------------
    LMFAO - very good, very good indeed. My Dad is in hospital at the mo and I keep texting him jokes to keep his spirit up, Some of these make the grade!

  10. #230

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    Some more.

    Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

    -------------------------------

    My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

    "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

    -------------------------------

    My dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.

    Which, I guess, is why several of my siblings died of tuberculosis.

    -------------------------------

    "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing."

    "What are the symptoms?"

    "They're those yellow people on TV."

    -------------------------------

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