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  1. #421

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    Bernard Matthews has just died. He is to be cremated next week.

    Gas mark 6 for 35-40 minutes

  2. #422

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    The Pope made a surprise visit to Hartcliffe in Bristol, when he came to the UK and was handing out miracles.

    Billy walks on stage & asks
    "Can you help with my hearing ?"

    The Pope says "Certainly"& puts his hands over Billy's ears.
    When he finishes praying, he removes his hands & says"Hows your hearing now ?"

    "I dont know" says Billy "Its not till next Wednesday"
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  3. #423
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evo View Post
    Bernard Matthews has just died. He is to be cremated next week.

    Gas mark 6 for 35-40 minutes
    Lol'd at this one..
    I'm done with chasin trolls

  4. #424

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eric Morecambe View Post
    The Pope made a surprise visit to Hartcliffe in Bristol, when he came to the UK and was handing out miracles.

    Billy walks on stage & asks
    "Can you help with my hearing ?"

    The Pope says "Certainly"& puts his hands over Billy's ears.
    When he finishes praying, he removes his hands & says"Hows your hearing now ?"

    "I dont know" says Billy "Its not till next Wednesday"
    LOL just proper LOLed

  5. #425

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    A driver is pulled over by a policeman.
    The copper approaches his car door "Sir you were speeding, can I see your driving licence please?"
    "I'd give it to you but I don't have one" the driver responds
    "You don't have one?"
    "I'm afraid not, I lost it four times for drink-driving." replies the man
    The old bill is shocked, "I see, can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
    "I'm sorry but I cannot do that either as this car is stolen."
    The fuzz says, "You stole it?"
    The man replies, "Yes and I killed the driver, she's in the boot if you want to see."
    Plod decides he needs back up and calls for help. Within minutes five further police cars arrive and a senior officer tentatively approaches the car clasping his gun.
    The senior officer says, "Sir could you step out of the car please?"
    The man steps out of his car, "Is there a problem?"
    "One of my officers tells me you have stolen this car and murdered the officer."
    "Murdered the owner?" says the man appearing shocked.
    "Yes" the big cheese responds, "can you open the boot of the car please?"
    The man opens the boot of the car revealing nothing but an empty space.
    The top man says, "Is this your car sir?"
    The man replies "Yes" and hands over the vehicle documentation.
    The officer is stunned, "My officer also claims you do not have a driving licence."
    The man digs in his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He hands it over the senior policeman allowing him to view his driving licence inside. He looks quite puzzled.
    "Thank you sir but my officer reported that you did not have a licence, stole this vehicle and murdered the owner in the process."
    The man replies, "I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too."
    6 out of 7 people say they enjoy gang rape

  6. #426

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    Quote Originally Posted by Wendle View Post
    A driver is pulled over by a policeman.
    The copper approaches his car door "Sir you were speeding, can I see your driving licence please?"
    "I'd give it to you but I don't have one" the driver responds
    "You don't have one?"
    "I'm afraid not, I lost it four times for drink-driving." replies the man
    The old bill is shocked, "I see, can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
    "I'm sorry but I cannot do that either as this car is stolen."
    The fuzz says, "You stole it?"
    The man replies, "Yes and I killed the driver, she's in the boot if you want to see."
    Plod decides he needs back up and calls for help. Within minutes five further police cars arrive and a senior officer tentatively approaches the car clasping his gun.
    The senior officer says, "Sir could you step out of the car please?"
    The man steps out of his car, "Is there a problem?"
    "One of my officers tells me you have stolen this car and murdered the officer."
    "Murdered the owner?" says the man appearing shocked.
    "Yes" the big cheese responds, "can you open the boot of the car please?"
    The man opens the boot of the car revealing nothing but an empty space.
    The top man says, "Is this your car sir?"
    The man replies "Yes" and hands over the vehicle documentation.
    The officer is stunned, "My officer also claims you do not have a driving licence."
    The man digs in his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He hands it over the senior policeman allowing him to view his driving licence inside. He looks quite puzzled.
    "Thank you sir but my officer reported that you did not have a licence, stole this vehicle and murdered the owner in the process."
    The man replies, "I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too."
    Hahaha, quality

  7. #427

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    A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

  8. #428

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    I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome st) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.

    After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.

    In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry.

  9. #429

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    A squirrel is sat on a branch high up in a tree.
    Just then a cow climbs up the tree and sits on the branch next to him.
    "Hello, what are you doing here?" asked the squirrel.
    "I'm here to eat some apples" replied the cow.
    "Oh" said the squirrel"but this is an oak tree".
    "No worries" said the cow "I brought my own apples".

  10. #430

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    Isn't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars?

    Which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.
    Last edited by Eric Morecambe; 30-11-2010 at 05:05 PM.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

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