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Thread: >> Post A Joke <<

  1. #491

    Default

    My bird tried to be all sexy last night by shoving a lollipop up her fanny,

    I told her she'll be needing that on Monday morning to see the kids across the road.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  2. #492

    Default

    After the slating Ernie and I got after our first show on the BBC, Ernie started to learn a new trade in hypnotism.
    I can always remember Ernie hypnotised 7 blokes one night and he was doing really well until he tripped over the Microphone cord, and yelled “BUGGER ME” ….........

    What happened next will haunt me forever ...
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  3. #493
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Manchester, England
    Posts
    949

    Default

    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite –

    All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary



    Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
    So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.



    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

    Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

    That's when he realised he had made it home safely.



    Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".

    Mick said "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."



    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.

    Turns out she was a Slovak.



    I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

    To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



    After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

    Nothing.



    A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play

    and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

    The dad says “ Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



    Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.

    That's a lot.

    Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

  4. #494

    Default

    I was covering one day, for the Doctor in our village, as he was ill .

    My first patient was a Ginger Lady who had a rash on her fanny.

    I said "How often do you have sex ??"
    She replied "Hardly ever. The last time I had sex was over 2 years ago"

    Raising my glasses, I replied "Thats not a rash love, you've got Rust !!"
    Last edited by Eric Morecambe; 26-01-2011 at 03:17 PM.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  5. #495

    Default

    I went for my routine check up today.
    Everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum !

    I'm thinking I should change my Dentist now ....
    Last edited by Eric Morecambe; 28-01-2011 at 02:46 PM.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  6. #496

    Default

    I got sold a cure for epilepsy, down the market last week .

    Unfortunately I found out it was just a counterfit ...
    Last edited by Eric Morecambe; 28-01-2011 at 05:19 PM.
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  7. #497

    Default

    I entered Ernie into a Rastafarian hair dressing contest ...

    Poor Ernie's dreading it !!
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  8. #498

    Default

    Richard Keyes is now training to be a G.P in his local town.

    The local Doctor let Richard examined a 25yr lady who had a strawberry stuck up her bum ..

    Richard said to the lady "I've got some cream for that"
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

  9. #499
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Manchester, England
    Posts
    949

    Default

    Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.



    “What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…

    “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

    “It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

    “ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

    “It’s not” said the man…

    “the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms”

  10. #500

    Default

    Its been revealed that Andy Gray & Richard Keyes were also caught off camera speaking about the Wayne Bridge / John Terry sarga early last year

    Andy says to Rich " That Vanessa Perroncel must've got a fanny like a shed roof in a storm "
    Rich " Whatcha mean by that"
    Andy " If you don't nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door "
    "He’ll never sell any ice cream going at that speed"

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