Semi Pro Hotel Jitz
....more Viz Top Tips
I couldn't find the old thread so made a new one
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.
DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
DON'T waste money on j expensive iPods. Simply think D of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch I tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.
YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.
HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.
FEMALE shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
SINGLE MEN: Why-aye! Fool folk into thinking you've got a girlfriend by standing ootside Topshop wi' loads of bags
Doesn't have a signature anymore