crazy couple of nights on the door this weekend, loads of incidents went down, we had a girl faint in the toilets, i did wonder what state the girls toilets ended up in after a busy night, and this fainting only confirms my suspicions that its not a pretty sight. The Police got called in due to some dodgy geezer dry humping one of the glass collecting girls. She wanted to press charges, and at one point i was asked to watch him while we waited for the police to arrive. He wanted to tell me his side of things but everything he said was really creepy like "she was into it" and "she was gagging for it!", and when i was re-telling this to my colleagues, i described him as being a bit rape-y. Since then the phrase "watch him, he's a bit rapey" has gained a memetic quality at the club we work at, and i have heard it used several times. In fact one old guy who come in and sits near the dancefloor staring at all the girls dance has been nicknamed "old rapey"
There were plenty of other incidents, but hardly anything note worth, except for one rather comical series of events that happened to one happless chap.
It was friday night and i was upstairs standing by the pay in desk making sure everyone paid in and got a stamp on their hand. Despite the fact that its only £1 to get in people can still be miserable fuckers, but at least it give me a chance to decide if we want them in the club to begin with, if they are going to be abusive to the staff at the door over a measly pound then then can go elsewhere.
I just watched a bunch of lads walk out for a ciggy, and then turned my attention back to the desk, when i heard a scuffle outside and saw two lads, one of whom was in the crowd that just left, pushing and shoving each other around. One of my colleague was a bit closer than me so he seperated them and the usual argument of culpability ensued.
"he just smacked my mate in the face" shouted the somewhat bug-eyed, over-tanned, pec deck enthusiast who had been passing the club as his nemesis was leaving.
"i dont know what you're talking about" said the lad who until seconds ago had been a patron of our establishment.
"we dont care", my colleague and i drone in weary unison.
The arguement between the two lads now continued verbally for sometime back and forth, with the lad who had been in our club standing inside the club behind us arguing with bug eyes who was standing outside the club calling him out. i let it go on for a few sentences but quickly tired of the trash talking pseudo alpha male bullshit, i told bug eyes he was being a silly sausage and that it was time that he was moving on.......or words to that effect.
Then the lad behind me, possibly having gotten over the shock of having been manhandled without warning moments earlier suddenly grew a pair and decided he wanted to go out and have the fight proffered to him by bug-eyes mearly seconds earlier. He walked past us and got straight in bug eyes face eyeball to eyeball. They looked kinda comical stood there in an over dramatic face off, all fake-tan and shit for brains, they were both so miscoloured they conjured up an image of two already crispy pieces of bacon fighting over extra time under the grill.( but maybe thats just because i was hungry)
After a few seconds of this WWE style faceoff bugeyes bottle went, and he started backpeddling and stuttering, until he came out with the line that floored us all, by this time he had walked a little down the road away from the incident to catch up with his very embarressed looking mates, when he shouted back to his tan-emesis "you wait here, im going to get my dad, he's gonna want a word with you!"
What happened next was hard to put into words. The complete loss of face/credibilty was audible, people in the street started laughing, the older alpha males rocked their heads back and belly-laughed, their friends barked out a stunned guffaw, while the sixteen year old girls who had been knocked back for having no I.D. let out a cruel snigger, and there was every type of laughter inbetween, some were holding onto each other for balance as they laughed others had tears in their eyes. it is no exageration to say that mirth was apparent.
Now as funny as that all was, it was one of those moments where you just had to be there to fully appreciate it, and knowing this it would hardly be worth my while relating it to you dear reader if that was all that happened. But for the end to this event i must fast forward roughly 24 hours to saturday night.
Due to my over flirtatiousness with the ladies as they entered the club on saturday night, the head doorman, banished me downstairs to mind the dancefloor, so that my popularity with the ladies could no longer interfere with his own (clearly inferior) mojo. As you can probably imagine i begrudgingly went downstairs, muttering under my breath like muttley from the wacky races as i went. I had only just found my usual spot near the D.J. booth when i got a call on the radio to take the fire escape shortcut and meet smiler at the bottom of the stairs. i rushed out to help, and smiler one of my colleagues, was there trying to sort out an incident. He asked me to keep a hold of a lad he had by the scruff of the neck so i brought him down to the fire escape door which can only be opened from the other side so he was effectively in a dead end. smiler went round the corner to deal with the incident. so i couldn't see what was happening.
The guy i was minding was yet another tanning calamity, i'm sure he thought he looked tanfastic, but he looked more like he'd been left out in the sun to long, sounded like it too, but from his barely coherant drunken mumbling i gathered that he felt that he was not at fault for the incident, that a complete stranger had come up to him without warning and punched him in the face without any provocation or prior incident between the two of them. I thought to myself "yeah sure" but i just let him ramble on in case he let slip some important detail.
Finally the police arrived and took away both the lads and i was able to finally get filled in on what happened. It turns out that the lad i was watching was telling the truth, a lad come down from upstairs where he had just entered and paid walked straight up to him and without provocation or any prior interaction punched him in the face, the security cameras recorded the whole thing. Tanfastic had in reponse to this punched the stranger with one punch and knocked him clean out. that was the entire incident. two punches thrown and not a word spoken. We all remarked on how strange it was that he would just punch a random stranger, when smiler informed us that it wasnt random, he had spoken to the aggressor and it was ol' bug eyes from the previous night and he had come in to extract his revenge.
"makes sense now" said one of the lads.
"hang on", i said "get revenge on who?"
"that lad, the one you were minding a few minutes ago, the one that embarressed him last night when he told him he was going to get his dad on him"
"but..... thats not the same guy from last night, he not even in the club tonight"
Within seconds we were all rolling around laughing at bug eyes, who on friday night accused the wrong person of punching his friend ( the guy he accused had been downstairs dancing when the incident occured) then on saturday night came in and punched the wrong person, who he had mistaken for the other wrong person from the previous night.......and got knocked clean out for his trouble.
When i signed off at the end of the night, and checked the incident report someone had put a printed out photo of bug eyes in the list with the heading BANNED, triple under lined. Seeing the felt tip pen nearby i couldn't help but add "SHOULD HAVE GONE TO SPECSAVERS" as a subtitle.
TL;DR Unicorns are real and the above story proves it.